Alternate Fortune Cookie Sayings

I had 'Panda Express' Chinese take-out for lunch, and found the fortune cookes to be too boring. Thus, I've created some of my own, in the hope they liven things up a bit. Feel free to reply with some, if you're inspired to do so.

• Avoid doing new things, you might get hurt.
• Your opinions are frequently wrong.
• Now is not a good time to invest.
• Your face betrays you.
• Other people work harder than you do.
• Your life has no meaning.
• Your lucky number is Zero.
• Avoid having opinions, you might be wrong.
• Do not finish any projects tomorrow.
• Avoid doing things that require too much thought.
• Your efforts are doomed to failure.
• Ask people for help, pleading stupidity.
• Insult the nationality of all new people.
• Your smile looks pathetic, only use it when begging.
• Your kids will always ignore you.
• Things are always as they seem.
• Bad news is coming, in large amounts.
• Fear your loved ones.
• Sunrises bode not well for your financial future.
• Steal everything before your friends stop liking you.
• Wear red on Tuesdays to avoid a dishonorable death.
• Cancel all your credit cards before it's too late.
• Your wishes of last Wednesday will never come true.
• Buy new underwear before they find out.
• Several former friends are conspiring against you.
• Never order fries with that.
• People's clothes indicate if they like you.
• Someone knows what you did that time.
• Invest only in companies starting with the letter F.
• Learn how to cook roadkill safely. Soon.
• To see far, sleep on your roof.
• Learn how to chop the head off an attacker.
• As of yesterday, praying became useless.
• The Antichrist was born last week.
• To kill the bugs, wash all your clothes on hot.
• Your spouse and your best friend have a secret.
• When you see the flash, duck, it might help.
• Horseback riding will be useless in 3 years.
• Farm animals like you until they smell you.
• Unplug your lamps and toaster before it's too late.
• A phone call will soon make you cry loudly.
• Fear everything, it's safer that way.
• Put your affairs in order before tomorrow night.
• Give away your posessions, but don't leave a note.
• Contemplate everything, but don't commit, ever.
• Physical pain can help you make hard decisions.
• To change the inside, change the inside.
• Lock up your women. 

Have any others?